WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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