I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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