I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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