If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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