If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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