mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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