apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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