just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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