He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
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I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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