Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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