My nipple is on Facebook.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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