Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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