I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My ATM looks so different sober.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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