And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
