Your dad touched me again.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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