Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
