me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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