I am spending my child support on dildos
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
