i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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