I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
