His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
