I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am one with the molecules
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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