respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
