Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
