Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
