My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
