Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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