My boss' voice literally gives me gas
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
