mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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