Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
