I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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