How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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