My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
