I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
