You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
