Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
