you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
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also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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