sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
