sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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