never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
