how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
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I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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