Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
