Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Semen is not good for contacts.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
