I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
