I can't breathe out the right side of my face
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
