theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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