Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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