A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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