i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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