She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
