On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
