Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
