Don't make out with my wife yet
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Damn victory sex feels great
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
