Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
