Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
