This is not my ceiling
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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