yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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