I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
