Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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