I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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